Research Articles

Negotiation: Successful or Stressful?

Rebecca Westphal
Communiation and Curriculum Manager
HRworkbench Pty Ltd


For many people, if they think of negotiation in relation to themselves at all, they think of something intimidating and stressful. Consider the following situation:


Two sisters are in the kitchen, arguing over an orange. There is only one orange left in the fruit bowl and both sisters have determined that they want it, and cannot possibly do without it. They become so aggressive about the situation that at one stage they even come to blows. Eventually, they decide that since that since they cannot agree over who should have the orange, they will cut it in half. Having cut the orange in half, the two sisters turn away, both completely unsatisfied with the outcome.


For many, this would seem like a common story of negotiation. Yet, negotiation doesn't need to be like that. In fact, successful negotiation should never be like that.

The irony is, knowing the motivations of the two sisters we can see that there was opportunity for the needs of both sisters to be met, and for them both to be satisfied. All it would have taken was for the sisters to take time out from screaming at each other, "I want it!", and instead asking each other one simple question, "What do you want the orange for?" This question would have uncovered that the first sister was thirsty, and wanted the juice from the orange to drink. The second sister, on the other hand, wanted to bake a cake, and needed the flesh of the orange for her cooking. As is often the case, something so simple could have saved so much agony.

The above story, told by Alan Rands in his days of training (our apologies to the original author, Alan cannot recall the source), demonstrates two important points. The first is that negotiation can occur anywhere at any time, and between anyone. The second is that shifting the focus away from the object being negotiated over (in this case the orange), to a focus on the needs of both parties, you can not only save time, but also improve the quality of the relationships and the outcomes of the negotiation.

Changing Beliefs about Negotiation

When most people think about negotiating, they think of a formal situation where people sit around a table and hold strong conversations about a topic of contention. However, it is important to note that these situations are often the exception to the rule, not the norm (Negotiating - You've Done it Before; 2001 http://www.onlinewbc.gov/Docs/manage/negotiating.htm). Most people are involved in numerous negotiation situations every week, whether they be deciding a deadline for a project at work, revising their salary with their boss, or deciding who will have the last orange in the house. Simply put, negotiation includes any situation where you are working with another party to achieve the results you want, or better still, a solution that will suit both parties.

Because of their misconception about what negotiation is, many people are intimidated by the concept of negotiating and try to avoid such situations. Because they then don't recognise the negotiating situations in which they are involved for what they are, these people also go into negotiations unprepared and are most likely to have unsuccessful outcomes. Changing these perceptions about negotiating is particularly important because, as Professor E. Wertheim points out, "studies have shown that negotiating skills are among the most significant determinants of career success" (Negotiations and Resolving Conflicts: An Overview; http://web.cba.neu.edu/~ewertheim/interper/negot3.htm). If people are unable to recognise the negotiations they encounter in their week, or try to avoid negotiations, they are less likely to be successful in their jobs, and therefore are less productive for their company.

Another reason people have negative conceptions about negotiating is that they equate negotiation with conflict, and wish to avoid conflict at all costs. While negotiation does tend to involve a level of conflict in that what you want isn't exactly the same as what the other party wants, this conflict does not have to be a negative contributor. In fact, conflicting opinions can be an important part of developing the sustainable relationship of the two parties. It is important to recognise that:

". conflict that requires resolution is neither good nor bad. There can be positive and negative outcomes. It can be destructive but can also play a productive role for you personally and for your relationships-both personal and professional. The important point is to manage the conflict, not to suppress conflict and not to let conflict escalate out of control. Many of us seek to avoid conflict when it arises but there are many times when we should use conflict as a critical aspect of creativity and motivation."

(Negotiations and Resolving Conflicts: An Overview; http://web.cba.neu.edu/~ewertheim/interper/negot3.htm)


By simply changing their beliefs about negotiation, and harnessing the power of conflict, employees can turn their negotiations into successes. We will talk about how this can be done later in the article.

The blended learning program, The Negotiating Advantage™, written by Managing Director of The National Learning Institute, Bob Selden, starts by helping participants to reshape their ideas about negotiating. Having developed more positive beliefs about negotiating, participants are then in a position to apply a new level of awareness to their negotiations and start applying the skills and knowledge necessary for successful negotiating.

Shifting the Focus of Negotiation

Once they have changed their beliefs about negotiation, to recognise that it occurs in a myriad of situations, it is then easier for individuals to develop skills that will shift the focus of negotiation, away from object-driven discussions towards a needs-driven discussion.

When a negotiation is focussed on needs rather than the object of negotiation, there is much more scope for developing a number of creative solutions. This allows the two parties to work together to decide which options will provide the best solutions for both - with more options, the chances of success are greater.

In the Negotiating Adavantage, Bob Selden points out, ". our experience has been that when both parties are clear on each other's needs, they tend to operate cooperatively during this phase - very much like partners trying to provide a solution to a joint problem. Often too, the atmosphere in the negotiation is one of 'excitement' - how can we together build this pie larger so that we can each have bigger pieces?"

In shifting the focus like this to needs, not only do the options increase, but the attitudes of the two parties change. It is in this kind of environment that conflict can be used to increase the success of negotiation. Remember, conflict is simply a situation where one party disagrees with the other. In a negotiation focussed on objects, if one party said "No" to the option presented to them, the negotiation becomes a win-lose situation - one of the parties must give in. However, there is another way to look at this conflict. In his article, When is Negotiating Not Negotiating? , Bob Selden says, "Getting a 'No' from the other party gives you the opportunity to ask 'Can you give me your reasons?'. This leads to uncovering the other party's real needs and some options that will satisfy them - options which you could supply." In a shifted focus negotiation, conflict provides more opportunities to uncover needs, and therefore, more opportunities to suggest new options.

While it's important to note that a win-win is not always possible in negotiation, it is easy to see that if both parties go into the negotiation focussed on their own, and the other party's needs, the instances of win-win situations increases dramatically. Studies show that the attitude with which you approach a negotiation can have a large impact on the way in which that negotiation then unfolds (Negotiations and Resolving Conflicts: An Overview; http://web.cba.neu.edu/~ewertheim/interper/negot3.htm). It is therefore vitally important that you approach a negotiation, not only with needs in mind, but also with an aim to come out of the negotiation with a win-win situation for both parties.

A negotiation that seeks the best possible outcome for both parties will is one that will grow long-term relationships. These relationships are particularly important because negotiation is rarely a once-off event. Instead, negotiation tends to be an on-going process that may be visited annually, monthly, or even daily depending on the situation.

By recognising negotiation situations and then entering these situations with a view to uncover needs and discover mutually beneficial solutions, negotiations can be successful, not stressful and can be the first step of a relationship that will have long-term repercussions on the way in which your business can move forward.

If you or your clients need to improve their negotiating skills read how the blended learning program, The Negotiating Advantage™